The two aspects of autistic masking

When I think about masking, I tend to think of it as a single action.

But really, masking often involves two separate actions: first, suppressing your natural, autistic tendencies; and second, forcing yourself to act in a neurotypical way that feels unnatural.

Each can be destructive in its own way.

The first divorces us from our self.

The second binds us to whom we are not.

It reminds me of a speaker I heard many years ago who asked: Who are you? And whose are you?

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One of the things I love about being autistic is the inherent honesty that it brings.

When I'm moving through the world as my authentically autistic self, I say what I think. Words enter my brain and I say them. And when I'm around other autistic people, I count on them communicating that way too.

Direct, unfiltered communication makes sense to me. It's what comes naturally. And it feels beautifully honest – the way to build genuine connection with other people.

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Of course, though, the neurotypical world isn't built on direct communication.

What I consider honest is what many neurotypical people perceive as blunt, if not offensive at times.

And so I have learned that unless I'm with other autistic people, it's problematic to communicate in the way that comes naturally to me.

That's one component of a mask – suppressing what comes naturally.

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I've also learned that it feels safer to force myself to communicate in neurotypical ways.

When someone asks how I'm doing, I give the expected answer, not the honest one. After I write an email, I go back and pad it with niceties. When I meet someone for the first time, instead of asking them something meaningful, I make small talk.

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Many of us have spent so long masking that we don't even think about it as two separate components.

Maybe we should.

Unmasking is hard work. It requires undoing years and years of conditioning – a massive undertaking.

Breaking it down into its components enables us to create two somewhat less overwhelming tasks.